You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
