dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I looked at my own cervix.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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