i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
