Ketchup is God's man juice
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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