I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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