I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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