Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
