3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
