don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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