I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
