I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
