My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
