You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
