woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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