are you so shy because you have an std?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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