I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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