We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
