My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
