I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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