mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
