I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
