tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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