he puts the penis in happiness.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
