A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
