Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
