The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
