I only kidnapped one of them. chill
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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