maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
