Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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