If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
