Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
