She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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