Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
