Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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