its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
