were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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