FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
