Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
