Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
