Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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