Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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