I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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