So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just invented taco cereal.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
