It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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