I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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