i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
