I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
