I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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