Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
