i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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