Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
