Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
