I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
